How does one “court” a potential spouse?  You see, here are my concerns.

The world “dates.”  But I don’t think that this is acceptable for Christians to do.  That may shock you, but let me explain why.  Dating has romance in mind.  That is its end goal and objective.  The two parties are getting to know each other, progressively increasing in romance.  The only thing that separates the world and Christians, is that Christians stop before sex (or at least they BETTER).  But the romance that leads up to that should be shunned as well.

Consider this:  Modern dating is treated as a “testing” period of sorts, where you are trying a relationship to see if you are suited for marriage.  And if problems or incompatibility arises during this “test” period, you “break-up.”  In the meantime though, it is safe to assume that you have participated in romantic activities with that person.  You’ve probably flirted, held hands, hugged, rubbed on, kissed, etc.  Now that you see this isn’t your future spouse, guess what?  You’ve done those activities to someone else’s wife.  And you’ve essentially “cheated” on your future spouse.

Just because it isn’t sex, doesn’t make it ok!  Would you want someone rubbing on your wife?  Kissing your husband?  Flirting with your wife? Of course not!  Not only that, you’ve probably committed adultery in your heart!  This worldly approach to finding your spouse is wicked.  I would never want to steal that honor from another mans wife, or to rob her of that special and unique relationship with her husband.

So then we are left with the question, how DOES a Christian find a spouse?  We’re so accustomed to dating, that we don’t know any other way.  And to be honest, I’m not sure what it means to “court.”  But here is how I desire for it to happen:

You do fellowship together, with no romantic intentions.  In other words, you treat each other like a brother or sister in Christ.  You study the Word together (preferably in a group setting to avoid temptation).  You share testimonies and prayer (again in group setting…I wouldn’t recommend praying alone.  That’s pretty intimate).  You develop a friendship.

Now, at any point during that, if you feel the leading of the Lord towards this person as a potential spouse, you vocalize that to her/him.  At which point, I think both of the parties should dedicate themselves to prayer (individually) to find the will of God in this.  To see if you really are meant for each other.  If the answer is yes, it then becomes a more focused fellowship.  You still leave romance out, but focus on Scriptures on marriage.  Carefully studying the topic together and examining your compatibility on marriage/family issues.  To see if you are like minded.  You also carefully share your past testimonies.  Exposing your hearts, desires, and faults to one another.

If after sharing your past, your goals/desires, and examining in depth the marriage Scriptures, you decide that you are indeed made for each other, then don’t waste time!  No “dating” is necessary.  Get married as quick as possible.

Anyways, that’s how I see it.  I see Christian “couples,” and it grieves me.  They act in romantic ways towards each other, but what if you separate?!  Look what you are doing to another person’s spouse!  You are stealing from them that precious unity that only belongs to a married couple. 

So let me summarize “courting” (as I see it) in this step-by-step process:

1. You do fellowship together.  Treating each other like normal brothers/sisters in Christ.  Growing together, edifying one another, encouraging one another, correcting and teaching one another.  Just like you do in with all your other brothers and sisters.

2.  If at any point you feel prompted towards marriage, start praying!  And pray for as long as needed until you feel sure that the Lord wants you to pursue marriage.  Sometimes (at least for me), my desires make it hard to hear from the Lord.  I really want something, and so my deceitful heart tricks me into thinking I have the Lord’s authorization.  So be careful to pray thoroughly.  Make sure that the Lord is authorizing you to pursue this.

3.  Tell her/him about it, and ask them to set about praying about it in the same way.  For as long as it is needed until they feel sure.

4.  Once confirmed, start an "interview" process of sorts.  Examine each others past.  Study marriage/family verses together.  Discuss every area of life.  How do you feel about finances, jobs, kids, each others family, sex, where to live, doctrine, church, friends, fellowship, EVERYTHING?  Keep a journal.  Ask questions.  Write down everything that may come up.  Find mature Christian marriages and ask them questions.  Examine your past together.  Pray over and heal from any past sins that may affect each other.  If you've sinned in sex in the past, MAKE SURE those bonds of unity (spiritual unity) are broken.  Pray until the Lord breaks them.

5.  Once everything is settled, and you find that you are compatible and like minded on all the important issues (or at least able to peaceably disagree), GET MARRIED.

6.  THEN romance can start.  Both physical and non-physical.

"Dating" is mixing steps 4 and 6 without the commitment of marriage and is wrong.  It's a secular concept, not a Biblical one.  Are there better ways of courting?  I’m sure there are, but this is how I see it being done while remaining pure and loving your brothers and sisters enough not to do any injury to their future.  It is surely preferable to modern day “dating.”